01.10.2005

if i wrote i all down would it corner you to beat my brows with breadsticks. if all i was asking for was to kill me. i'm stuck inbetween it all, i'm stuck in wedlock i'm stuck in lies

i hate myself, i hate the debt i've racked up. i want to smoke lucky strikes up high and tell them what i've written in white, the skylight is charred. i want to fuck, i want to cry, i want the refund to take too long, long enough for me to let go

i feel like i've failed myself again. before i could blame it on the balmy preaches, the doorstep leeches and now i realize i made those all up. i do not want to do anything that needs to get done, i want to let it all out, the angry apologies over and over again so that inside, that her, she will hear

but the progress i've made in life is actually surprising, the point i'm at the lotus trails have drawn wider. i've just interlocked my arms into the branches and when the pinecones fall they hit those pensive muscle aches, the joints i cannot smoke, the cloud i've hidden my own true self inside of.

in between death and rebirth, i want all and none transplanting days. soy milk on monday and cocaine on tuesday. trade-offs and indecent exposure. i'm fucked i'm fucked! and i've panicked

so swell, she's swollen